Inhale, relax, repeat

My wonderful, beautiful, loveable cat died today. He was a year old. I’ve been crying so much that I don’t think I can anymore.

He went missing 3 days ago. We were worried sick and put posters up and looked everywhere for him. We found him last night. He was hurt and couldn’t stand up on his back legs. I feared the worst.

My sister nursed him all night. We couldn’t get a vet last night. He was in shock at first and completly quiet, but at about 1am me started meowing and trying to move. He was so distressed. He wouldn’t take water, milk or food. He sat and started at me, breathing loudly with his mouth open. It was heartbreaking.

We took him to the vet at 9 this morning. It was a Sunday, so she had to open the practice just for us. He was more lively this morning and she said he had broken his leg and pelvis. I was releived, because I feared he had spinal damage.

But the releif didn’t last last. She called less than an hour later after xraying to say his organs were damaged. The nerves to his kidneys and bladder were severed and there was nothing that could be done. We had no option.

We brought his body home and buried it in the garden. We put his toys in the grave with him and my father kissed him before putting him in. He made a cross and decorated the grave with gravel and a flower.

I can’t stop crying. He wasn’t even fully grown. Whoever knocked him down had better be suffering. I was closest to him and getting up in the morning without him coming and lying beside me is going to kill me. Everything reminds me of him. He was the highlight of the household and one of the few bright spots in my life. If I was upset or stressed, his presense always calmed me. He was so cuddly and affectionate. I was his favorite and I’m struggling to cope so badly. I lost a friend today. Maybe animals can’t love like people can, but people can sure as hell love animals, and I loved this one like no other.

He was a big, strong, gentle, affectionate, cuddly cat with so much more life left to live. He did some amazingly cute things and it kills me he’ll never do them again. I wanted to see him grow up and become mature. He was spoiled rotton and I’ll always be greatful we were weak with him. He was as happy as he could be during his short life. I love you, Pod, and I really fucking hope there’s a heaven.

What was the highlight of your week?

Hasn’t been a very good week. I’m still waiting on it. I hope it’ll come today.

2. Whose car were you in last?

My own.

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?

Fuck knows. Don’t depress me.

4. What color shirt are you wearing?

Greyish.

5. How long is your hair?

Just past shoulder length.

6. Are you good looking?

Not at all.

7. Last movie you watched?

Uh…maybe 2012? I do not remember at all.

8. Who were you with?

My family.

9. Last thing you ate?

Potato scone.

10. Last thing you drank?

Water.

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?

I’d like to say years ago, but eh… :/

12. Who came over last?

God knows. We never have guests.

13. Are you happy right now?

Very far from it.

14. What did you say last?

“Mmm” probably, because my sister was talking on and on and I was trying to get away from her.

15. Where is your phone?

Next to me, on my bedside table.

16. What color are your eyes?

Blue. Dark blue.

17. Are you left-handed?

No, but I thought I was until I was 7.

18. Spell your name without vowels:

Ct.

19. Do you have any pets?

Yes. A cat. He is meowing right this very second.

20. Favorite Vacation?

The holiday I went on when I was 10. I was so happy.

21. What do you dislike currently?

What or who? Because I dislike a person very much.

22. What are you listening to?

Nothing. I’m recovering from a migraine.

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?

For the person I’m crazy about to not want someone else (not necessarily to want me though…just them wanting someone else is what hurts).

24. What is your favorite scent?

Cherry lip balm!

25. Who makes you happiest?

Well, Dunia. No question there.

26. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Bang on midnight, I was wishing Dunia a happy birthday! Then my painkillers conked me out.

27. When is your birthday?

june 5th.

28. Who has the same phone as you?

Uh, I don’t know. What kind of question is that?

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?

Years ago. At least 4/5 years ago.

30. Do you read your horoscope?

No. Makes me paranoid.

31. Where was the last place you bought something?

Sainsbury’s maybe? Lunch, y’know.

32. How do you feel about your hair right now?

It’s a mess, but I like it like that.

33. Do you bite your nails?

Yes but I don’t eat at them or anything.

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?

Yes. Well, relatively so.

35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?

Just answered this one…

36. Myspace or facebook?

Facebook. Only people stuck in 2005 use MySpace.

37. How fast have you driven a car?

About 80mph. 2 or 3 times…by accident.

38. Have you ever smoked?

God no. Never been tempted.

39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?

Music.

40. Do you have Verizon?

No.

41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?

Innocent, funny, caring…too bad ‘innocent’ is rare when you get into your 20s these days. : (

42. Do you have any hidden talents?

Doubt it.

43. Favorite Song?

I’m not sure. It’s way too difficult to pick a single favourite song.

44. Do you like to sing at all?

No!

45. Dream Job?

Musician!

46. Where does most of your family live?

Half in Scotland, half in Canada…so most lives nowhere.

47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?

1 sibling.

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?

Nope. Some people would, but I know I’m not.

49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?

“ugh” probably.

50. Do you drink?

Very rarely. Alcohol is pretty disgusting, but I’m not against a glass of wine every now and again.

51. Know any other languages?

Not well.

52. Ever write a coded message?

Maybe for a school assignment.

53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?

No.

54. Do you have any children?

No.

55. Did you take a nap today?

Today has only just begun.

56. Who has the same birthday as you?

Well, my twin does…

57. Ever met anyone famous before?

Do football players count?

58. Do you want to be famous one day?

Not at all.

59. Any Pet Peeves?

Plenty. Patrotism, racism, etc etc.

60. Are you multitasking right now?

Nope.

61. Do you like Britany Spears?

Ew. I’m not a gay man.

62. What is your least favorite chore?

Dish washing.

63. Last place you drove your car?

To an abandoned car park. Yeah…

64. Ever been out of the country?

Plenty.

65. Where were you born?

England.

66. Could you handle being in the military?

Aside from the fact I hate everything the military stands for, no…discipline and physical activity are not my thing.

67. What is your average cell phone bill?

Don’t have a contract phone.

68. Who are you thinking about right now?

The usual suspect.

69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?

Not for a while. I’ve barely laughed recently.

70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

4 or 5.

71. Are your toes always painted?

No!

72. How many piercings do you have?

None.

73. What are you doing today?

Going to uni.

74. Have you ever been gambling?

Uh, I’ve used gambling machines in an arcade.

75. When is the last time you updated your page?

What page?

76. Do you like rollercoasters?

Very much so.

77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?

Nope.

78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?

OSWALD THE OCTOPUS.

79. Last thing you cooked?

Reheated dinner, if that counts. Otherwise…toast?

80. How’s the weather?

Warm but dull.

81. Do you e-mail?

Of course.

82. What’s the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?

I dunno. Dropped it?

83. Last time you were sick?

Probably about a month ago. Pukey sick, not unwell sick. I only had a migraine.

84. What states have you lived in?

None.

85. Do you wish you could move?

Very much so.

86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes?

Is this where I got this quiz…?

87. What is your dream car?

Not sure. Something cute rather than flashy.

88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?

Plenty.

89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?

I don’t know. I think I’d feel very awkward being where I’d like to be, so I guess I’m OK here.

90. Are you happy with your life?

Not in the slightest.

As much as I try to deny in, things feel very similar to how they were a year ago. I’m worrying about the same stuff and getting upset/loosing sleep over the same stuff. Things have changed so much, but everything feels exactly the same.

Last year, things improved and what was driving me crazy stopped, but there’s a chance it might just get even worse this time. I think that would kill me. I’m feeling very paranoid at the moment. Logic tells me I shouldn’t be paranoid but my eyes tell me otherwise. I guess it’s a bit of a dilemma when your eyes seem to be seeing something that doesn’t make sense.

But I’ll fight on as best as I can. Ignore it until it’s completely unignorable. It’s the only way to keep plodding on.

I’m 22 years old and I don’t want to start a career. Not for years. Getting a serious job scares me. I want to feel free and I want to see the world. Is this how most people feel at this age?

I want to stay away from the world of serious work for as long as possible. I want to feel young and I want to take advantage of my youth. I don’t want early success; I have my whole life to build myself up as successful career-wise, so why should I be bothered about that now?

If I die in a year’s time, or in 5 year’s time, will I have regrets? I doubt it. I’ll have seen the world. I may not go down in history, but who cares?

I’m really questioning my priorities right now, but I don’t think they’re wrong. With the way things are going in this world, I’ll have to work until I’m 70 years old. Starting now doesn’t sound like fun. Am I immature? I don’t care. I’d rather be immature than become engrossed in a career for the rest of my living days.

So, last year when I was in the lab, there was this awesome technician who got me all set up. She was super-friendly, funny and awesomely helpful. The kind of person everyone likes, y’know?

Now apparently she’s a total bitch. She doesn’t have lunch with the people she used to and she never says hi.

Seemingly, something happened to her that made her like this. And I can’t stop thinking what it could be. I want to help. I feel so bad for her. : (

Wow! Got an interesting email today…

Ever wondered if there was an application out there that helped you plan your trip/holiday and other activities around the weather????

I just learned that a new website is going to be launched sometime in March offering this service to users. According to their website, www.findbetterweather.com, I can even find the best facilities, services, activities, events, deals and prices and make bookings….all from this site…by just entering my zipcode and all from the comfort of my home.

I think travel agencies are going to be out of work pretty soon because this is straightforward stuff and even more comprehensive than any booking agent is going to be. You can spend as much or as little time on it, make notes as you go along and even talk to other people on the findbetterweather.com discussion boards and learn about their experiences having visited a specific destination before you.

How many of us get lost in road trips and waste so many hours, frustrated and agitated because we didn’t find the best sites? Or better yet, get stuck in bad weather ruining our plans completely! Well with www.findbetterweather.com all that’s in the past because I can EASILY plan ahead and choose the best day for our trips.

This is awesome and I really can’t wait to start using this application…so if you haven’t heard about it yet…check it out now! : )

Stress? You don’t know the meaning of the word. Right now, I sit in the common room at uni. I’m hiding from the world. I can’t be fucked working and working in the lab and getting no results. I can’t be fucked replying to the emails I’m getting about stuff I haven’t completed. I am so overloaded. People are so fucking demanding, and I can’t take it.

Earlier I was hit with the realization that Valetine’s day is next month. This made me feel worse. Much worse. I feel so alone and unloved. No one is blood interested in listening to what is boring ME. EVERYONE has something SOMEHOW worse to talk about, and I have to take it all ong and be the “strong” one while I’m really dying inside more and more each day. I can’t take it anymore. Everything in my life is stressful, and if I wasn’t in public, I’d be breaking down right now. I can’t even do that. I can’t scream and cry. I don’t have the time. I can’t vent. No one will give me their time.

You know you’re in trouble when you have constant thoughts of throwing yourself fown stairs and off bridges when you feel like crap. Being near death wouldbevery good for me now. No more stress, people would listen, and if not…well, I’d have something to take my mind off it.

Hugs would be nice. Many hugs.

Never thought I’d ever be the type to overwork myself deliberately. But hey, it seems I am.

I’ve got four writing projects to be getting on with at the minute. If you didn’t already know, I work as a freelance writer. I’ve been offered a good deal of work, and I really can’t bear to turn it down. If I get enough work, I won’t have to somehow find time to get to the bank to increase my overdraft, so it’s hard not to be greedy.

But yeah. The projects I’ve got have all got to be done within the next week. One is a 50 page e-book on exam techniques, another involves writing 40 articles on (lol) penis enlargement, another (my favorite of the moment) involves writing 20 articles on forensic science (aimed at potential forensic science students) and the fourth is really boring and involves writing short articles on hospital beds.

I intend to get a lot done during my “down time” in the lab. I’m doing molecular biology, so there’s a good amount of down time, but I still have a lot of lab work to do, so that will probably equate to about an hour during lunch (and that’s a big thing for me…before Christmas I was barely getting 10 minutes for lunch…yay 4 more time).

Of course, I have a lot of reading to do for my dissertation, and I really need to get cracking with the writing of it. I haven’t done anything ‘fun’ since I got back to uni. I haven’t even listened to music except when I’m on the bus. Next break is the middle of April for a couple of days. High blood pressure? I think so. BUT IT’S WORTH IT. MONEYMONEYMONEY.

OK so here’s what my daily schedule was like before xmas…

Get up at 7am
Get bus at 8.30
Arrive at uni just before 10
Work in the lab until 6-7pm at best (often I was stuck in there until almost 8), with maybe half an hour break for a quick lunch at best
Arrive home at 7.30-8.30pm at best
Eat/shower
Get into room at 9pm at the ealiest
Write up lab book (which maybe takes half an hour) and work (I need the money desparatly this year)…maybe get some coursework done if lucky until maybe 1am at best, but most likely I’ll end up in bed between 2 and 3am.

Now I’ve just found out that the building my research group is moving to is four miles away from the main campus, right at the north of the city. My journy is expensive and long enough when I get the direct bus…but this is going to destory me. Unlike the bloody PhD students, I have classes in the main campus. How the hell do I juggle this? Travelling four miles through a big city is not easy. Fucking hell. And then there’s the extra cost. I could cry.

It’s been a very strange year. I don’t think I’m had more of an emotional roller coaster of a year ever. I’ve been so depressed and desperate at parts. Desperate to a level I cannot describe and would rather not try. I’ve also felt so much ecstatic joy. Eye-waterningly happy moments. Moments I’ll remember vividly for the rest of my life.

I’m not going to go through it all. But it’s been crazy. This has been a strange year. I want to think about the good stuff though. Bad shit has happened, but now, at the end, we’ve gotten through it, and we’re stronger. That’s how to look at bad stuff. I hope next year isn’t such a roller coaster, but if it is, well, at least I’ll have the good parts too.