Inhale, relax, repeat

Well, May sucked like hell and June just got even worse.

At the end, I have as much prospects as when I began, despite sending off applications constantly. I’m starting to get very disheartened now and on the verge of falling into a depression. If I don’t get anything when Autumn comes, I have no idea how on earth I am going to survive.

I ended up going to see the doctor finally about my insomnia, and got put on some pills that OK work slightly, but make me groggy as hell the next day. So I’m just avoiding taking them.

I was made a conditional offer from Queen’s uni in Belfast, provided I secure the funding I had applied for, but now it seems I did not get that funding. My other options are slim, but I’m trying my hardest to not dwell on it. I’ve applied for countless jobs and not one has been remotely interest in me, despite having really bloody good lab experience.

Moving on, I didn’t do much at all during June. I went for many walks and went shopping a grand total of one time (don’t exactly have a lot of money!). Otherwise, I have done nothing except sending applications constantly.

Best albums listened to this month:

Rascal Flatts – Me and My Gang (seriously)
Ramones – Adios Amigos
Black Sabbath – Black Sabbath
Elvis Costello – Imperial Bedroom
Opeth – Deliverance

I haven’t read much at all, or played many games, so I can’t comment on that. All on all, a useless month! Although my birthday did occur. So now I feel shitty and old, yay!

Currently playing: Fallout New Vegas (which I guess I’ve been playing for months now. Slow)

Currently reading: Harry’s Game by Gerald Seymour (same as last month).

Currently listening to: Karnivool – Themata

Currently eating: Nothing.

Currently drinking: Water. Still.

Currently thinking about: Pretty much everything that’s giving me anxiety, which is rather a lot.

Currently wearing: Pyjamas! (old, oversized tshirt, dressing gown and pyjama bottoms with zebras on them)

Currently located in: my room, at my desk, on my chair with two wheels missing.

Currently watching: Haven’t watched much recently. Some of the new season of True Blood.

I don’t update enough and it makes me sad. You know how much my hosting costs? A LOT. I keep paying for it as I don’t know how to transfer it to another hosting company without losing all my posts (well, I have a very good idea how to do so, but I find FTP awkward and I’d have to refresh my memory on it, which I cbf with).

I was reading some actual good blogs last night and I felt jealous. These people are interesting! And funny! Why can’t I be these things?

Truth is, my life is so uneventful (AND DEPRESSING) right now that readable posts are a big of a struggle for me. I’m obsessed with one thing and one thing only (MY FUTURE) and to make matters worse, I feel like an awful, procrastinating, lazy bitch of I do anything with my computer time unrelated to paving a future for myself.

Of course, I play Solitaire for hours and waste tonnes of time pretty much just starting at my profile on rateyourmusic.com, but typing blog entries is that bit more involved, and I can’t help but feel I should be getting involved in something more productive during my short bursts of mental energy.

OK so the deal shall be as follows: if I manage to apply for one PhD and one job before dinner time, I will happily post here. Otherwise, I will curl up in a ball of self-hate and doubtlessly play Solitaire into the early hours.

I will also tell myself the following every day: blogging regularly and about non-boring stuff will encourage me to not become a dull, lifeless wreak of an ex-person.

Currently playing: Fallout New Vegas and far too much Solitaire.

Currently reading: Harry’s Game by Gerald Seymour.

Currently listening to: Andy’s bday mixape!!

Currently eating: Nothing. Just ate some poor quality microwave fajitas.

Currently drinking: Water. Sparkling.

Currently thinking about: My prospectless future.

Currently wearing: Checked shirt, graphic tshirt, black skinny jeans.

Currently located in: my room, at my desk, on my chair with two wheels missing.

Currently watching: I’ve been watching The Wire lately. I’m not really into it. I never enjoy cop shows. But I’m sticking with it anyway.

Well, this has been, without a doubt, the worst month for a while.

Things have become depressive and difficult for me. I was very sure I would get a certain PhD studentship, but they rejected me based on my grades, despite the fact I had been given an interview (why the hell did it come down to grades when they knew my grades from the outset, fuck). I was really upset, although I decided to simply just apply to as many more studentships as possible, as well as every relevant job I could find.

Already I have been rejected for so many jobs, and a few studentships. I have a masters degree and very good lab experience, but it seems nothing counts for anything anymore. The weather has been unseasonably bad stupidly that is bringing me down even more. I’m cruising towards a depression I won’t get out of, and my prospects are looking terrible at the moment.

I have been to a few gigs, and these are the only times I’ve actually felt any relief from the burden that is my life at the moment. One was Hypnotic Brass Ensemble and the other was Random Hand. Both were fun. If I’ve done anything else in May, it’s clearly too insignificant to recall.

When I write the June review, things seem likely to be even worse. My will to push on and on is starting to falter, and God knows how much more I’ll be able to stand. Things really do suck massively at the moment.

I’ve probably listened to more music in May than I have in a while, mostly because I have nothing to do with my life and the weather has been terrible, so I’ve been inside most the time. The best stuff I listened to during the month is as follows:

1. Kultur Shock – Integration (gypsy/rock/punk)
2. Gojira – The Link (progressive meta/progressive death metal)
3. Hypnotic Brass Ensemble – Hypnotic Brass Ensemble 2009 (jazz)
4. The King Blues – Punk and Poetry (rock/punk/ska)
5. Andrew Jackson Jihad – Can’t Maintain (folk/punk)

OK well I’ve never posted on here about how I’m writing an album…but yes, I am.

I worked on it a decent amount a few weeks ago, but then I got caught up in other stuff. Now, sadly, that other stuff has died a painful death, so I’ll continue with the album again. This time, I’m gonna focus more on angry lyrics and even more angry sounding guitars. I’m not fun enough anymore to do lighthearted.

My favorite music these days is modern British ska. And now I feel I’ve discovered everything in the scene and thus there is nothing left.

What does one do in a such a situation? I still love all the stuff I know of course – but I want more more more! British ska is so much more enjoyable to me than the American stuff (even though many of my favorite bands are American ska bands). Maybe I should get into French stuff more?

For years, ignorant English people blindly claim their taxes pay for Scotland, which they view as a useless, parasitic wasteland (or such). But this is wrong on so many levels, and it never fails to anger me that we pretty much never get rebuttals in the media when someone makes this idiotic point.

English people don’t like seeing Scottish people doing well. They don’t seem to see that we have free education and prescriptions etc because our government provides for its people as best it can, while Westminster puts money into useless crap.

Scotland is given a fixed budget from Westminster. This budget pays for the things that matter. In England, defense and giving London everything in the world seem to take a priority. Letting people study without going broke or helping the sick doesn’t matter so long as their military penis is big and London is as decadent as is possible.

It would be very easy to mention oil money here. But even without the oil money, Scotland would still contribute more per capita than England. The money Scotland earns is taken away from us!

GDP-wise, Scotland ranks third in the UK, behind London and the general south-east of England (which makes sense since the area is filled with big-business). Scotland’s GDP is WAY above Wales, Northern Ireland and north-east England (and this figure I’m using btw doesn’t include oil revenue), but hey, the English taxpayers don’t cry about that do they? The north-east of England is a burden on the UK by their definition, but since it’s England it doesn’t matter?

Scotland is classed a resource-rich country and has a very good economy. Most of England doesn’t. The south-east of England holds all of England up!

So really what I’m trying to say is if you’re one of those types who thinks Scotland steals your money, well, 1. get your facts right – we provide much more than we take, 2. Consider how much the Westminster government gives a damn about the people. It’s them that give you the shit deal, not us!

PS – I still love you, English people. This is not an anti-England post!

Well, because we had an election yesterday, I ended up reading about the BNP’s campaigning, as I always do (for a laugh). Like usual, they harp about Indigenous Scottish/English/British people, and like usual it got me thinking about what that means.

I’ve been reading a lot recently about human evolution, and about the different migrations/invasions that have occurred in Europe, especially in the UK. After watching the BNP’s ridiculous party election broadcast and seeing the sort of stuff their candidates had been saying, I figured I’d try my best to finally answer my question: what is an indigenous Brit?

I’ve known for a long time now that there’s barely such thing as an indigenous Brit, although I admit I don’t know so much about England as I do with Scotland and Ireland.

As far as I am aware and from what I’ve read, although there are some people who will be partially descended from the proper native people of Scotland (the Picts), most aren’t. Celts seem to be descended from Basques, and others from Spain/Portugal, as well as the Vikings (which is a well-known thing). This applies to both Scotland and Ireland, as well as Cornwall and Wales (although I’m not sure to what extent). England also has Viking heritage, although I’m not so sure about what the rest of it’s heritage is. Regardless, the old “anglo-saxon” as a distinct ethnicity thing seems to be a pretty invalid view, although I’m not so sure how much the view that the English are Germanic is true.

The fact is that within western Europe, people have been moving about for thousands of years, and it’s impossible to say is someone descends from whatever the original inhabitants were. Who are we to say what is “indigenous” and what isn’t? How can 500 years of descent within a country somehow mean something but 50 years means nothing? Who decides how long is long enough for you to suddenly be classed as native to the land?

It’s pretty obvious that the far right’s arguments are severely flawed. They can argue about indigenous rights all they want, but the fact is that almost none of us truly are indigenous, and my own personal genetics can be traced back all over western Europe (and possibly beyond!). The BNP really needs to admit that race is the issue here rather than being deemed “native”. After all, their manifesto does say they’re against “non-white” immigrations. Not that I’m saying they actually know anything about the ancient history of the country.

So my point really is next time you hear some bigot going on about being a native, tell him that he’s very unlikely to be anwhere near native. He’s no more genetically linked to the country than those evil non-white people are.