For the past few months, I’ve been dealing with my emotions by focusing on emotionless crap like music and uni work. But now, I am struggling. Uni is pretty much over and I’m faltering. I’m hurting and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel so hollow and so cold. I’m so alone and I’m terrified. I don’t even know how to feel. I feel like I should pick an emotion, but what should I pick? I need meaning.
My wonderful, beautiful, loveable cat died today. He was a year old. I’ve been crying so much that I don’t think I can anymore.
He went missing 3 days ago. We were worried sick and put posters up and looked everywhere for him. We found him last night. He was hurt and couldn’t stand up on his back legs. I feared the worst.
My sister nursed him all night. We couldn’t get a vet last night. He was in shock at first and completly quiet, but at about 1am me started meowing and trying to move. He was so distressed. He wouldn’t take water, milk or food. He sat and started at me, breathing loudly with his mouth open. It was heartbreaking.
We took him to the vet at 9 this morning. It was a Sunday, so she had to open the practice just for us. He was more lively this morning and she said he had broken his leg and pelvis. I was releived, because I feared he had spinal damage.
But the releif didn’t last last. She called less than an hour later after xraying to say his organs were damaged. The nerves to his kidneys and bladder were severed and there was nothing that could be done. We had no option.
We brought his body home and buried it in the garden. We put his toys in the grave with him and my father kissed him before putting him in. He made a cross and decorated the grave with gravel and a flower.
I can’t stop crying. He wasn’t even fully grown. Whoever knocked him down had better be suffering. I was closest to him and getting up in the morning without him coming and lying beside me is going to kill me. Everything reminds me of him. He was the highlight of the household and one of the few bright spots in my life. If I was upset or stressed, his presense always calmed me. He was so cuddly and affectionate. I was his favorite and I’m struggling to cope so badly. I lost a friend today. Maybe animals can’t love like people can, but people can sure as hell love animals, and I loved this one like no other.
He was a big, strong, gentle, affectionate, cuddly cat with so much more life left to live. He did some amazingly cute things and it kills me he’ll never do them again. I wanted to see him grow up and become mature. He was spoiled rotton and I’ll always be greatful we were weak with him. He was as happy as he could be during his short life. I love you, Pod, and I really fucking hope there’s a heaven.
What was the highlight of your week?
Hasn’t been a very good week. I’m still waiting on it. I hope it’ll come today.
2. Whose car were you in last?
My own.
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Fuck knows. Don’t depress me.
4. What color shirt are you wearing?
Greyish.
5. How long is your hair?
Just past shoulder length.
6. Are you good looking?
Not at all.
7. Last movie you watched?
Uh…maybe 2012? I do not remember at all.
8. Who were you with?
My family.
9. Last thing you ate?
Potato scone.
10. Last thing you drank?
Water.
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
I’d like to say years ago, but eh… :/
12. Who came over last?
God knows. We never have guests.
13. Are you happy right now?
Very far from it.
14. What did you say last?
“Mmm” probably, because my sister was talking on and on and I was trying to get away from her.
15. Where is your phone?
Next to me, on my bedside table.
16. What color are your eyes?
Blue. Dark blue.
17. Are you left-handed?
No, but I thought I was until I was 7.
18. Spell your name without vowels:
Ct.
19. Do you have any pets?
Yes. A cat. He is meowing right this very second.
20. Favorite Vacation?
The holiday I went on when I was 10. I was so happy.
21. What do you dislike currently?
What or who? Because I dislike a person very much.
22. What are you listening to?
Nothing. I’m recovering from a migraine.
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
For the person I’m crazy about to not want someone else (not necessarily to want me though…just them wanting someone else is what hurts).
24. What is your favorite scent?
Cherry lip balm!
25. Who makes you happiest?
Well, Dunia. No question there.
26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Bang on midnight, I was wishing Dunia a happy birthday! Then my painkillers conked me out.
27. When is your birthday?
june 5th.
28. Who has the same phone as you?
Uh, I don’t know. What kind of question is that?
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
Years ago. At least 4/5 years ago.
30. Do you read your horoscope?
No. Makes me paranoid.
31. Where was the last place you bought something?
Sainsbury’s maybe? Lunch, y’know.
32. How do you feel about your hair right now?
It’s a mess, but I like it like that.
33. Do you bite your nails?
Yes but I don’t eat at them or anything.
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
Yes. Well, relatively so.
35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
Just answered this one…
36. Myspace or facebook?
Facebook. Only people stuck in 2005 use MySpace.
37. How fast have you driven a car?
About 80mph. 2 or 3 times…by accident.
38. Have you ever smoked?
God no. Never been tempted.
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?
Music.
40. Do you have Verizon?
No.
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?
Innocent, funny, caring…too bad ‘innocent’ is rare when you get into your 20s these days. : (
42. Do you have any hidden talents?
Doubt it.
43. Favorite Song?
I’m not sure. It’s way too difficult to pick a single favourite song.
44. Do you like to sing at all?
No!
45. Dream Job?
Musician!
46. Where does most of your family live?
Half in Scotland, half in Canada…so most lives nowhere.
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
1 sibling.
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
Nope. Some people would, but I know I’m not.
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
“ugh” probably.
50. Do you drink?
Very rarely. Alcohol is pretty disgusting, but I’m not against a glass of wine every now and again.
51. Know any other languages?
Not well.
52. Ever write a coded message?
Maybe for a school assignment.
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
No.
54. Do you have any children?
No.
55. Did you take a nap today?
Today has only just begun.
56. Who has the same birthday as you?
Well, my twin does…
57. Ever met anyone famous before?
Do football players count?
58. Do you want to be famous one day?
Not at all.
59. Any Pet Peeves?
Plenty. Patrotism, racism, etc etc.
60. Are you multitasking right now?
Nope.
61. Do you like Britany Spears?
Ew. I’m not a gay man.
62. What is your least favorite chore?
Dish washing.
63. Last place you drove your car?
To an abandoned car park. Yeah…
64. Ever been out of the country?
Plenty.
65. Where were you born?
England.
66. Could you handle being in the military?
Aside from the fact I hate everything the military stands for, no…discipline and physical activity are not my thing.
67. What is your average cell phone bill?
Don’t have a contract phone.
68. Who are you thinking about right now?
The usual suspect.
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
Not for a while. I’ve barely laughed recently.
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
4 or 5.
71. Are your toes always painted?
No!
72. How many piercings do you have?
None.
73. What are you doing today?
Going to uni.
74. Have you ever been gambling?
Uh, I’ve used gambling machines in an arcade.
75. When is the last time you updated your page?
What page?
76. Do you like rollercoasters?
Very much so.
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?
Nope.
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
OSWALD THE OCTOPUS.
79. Last thing you cooked?
Reheated dinner, if that counts. Otherwise…toast?
80. How’s the weather?
Warm but dull.
81. Do you e-mail?
Of course.
82. What’s the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
I dunno. Dropped it?
83. Last time you were sick?
Probably about a month ago. Pukey sick, not unwell sick. I only had a migraine.
84. What states have you lived in?
None.
85. Do you wish you could move?
Very much so.
86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes?
Is this where I got this quiz…?
87. What is your dream car?
Not sure. Something cute rather than flashy.
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
Plenty.
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
I don’t know. I think I’d feel very awkward being where I’d like to be, so I guess I’m OK here.
90. Are you happy with your life?
Not in the slightest.
I’m 22 years old and I don’t want to start a career. Not for years. Getting a serious job scares me. I want to feel free and I want to see the world. Is this how most people feel at this age?
I want to stay away from the world of serious work for as long as possible. I want to feel young and I want to take advantage of my youth. I don’t want early success; I have my whole life to build myself up as successful career-wise, so why should I be bothered about that now?
If I die in a year’s time, or in 5 year’s time, will I have regrets? I doubt it. I’ll have seen the world. I may not go down in history, but who cares?
I’m really questioning my priorities right now, but I don’t think they’re wrong. With the way things are going in this world, I’ll have to work until I’m 70 years old. Starting now doesn’t sound like fun. Am I immature? I don’t care. I’d rather be immature than become engrossed in a career for the rest of my living days.
So, last year when I was in the lab, there was this awesome technician who got me all set up. She was super-friendly, funny and awesomely helpful. The kind of person everyone likes, y’know?
Now apparently she’s a total bitch. She doesn’t have lunch with the people she used to and she never says hi.
Seemingly, something happened to her that made her like this. And I can’t stop thinking what it could be. I want to help. I feel so bad for her. : (
Wow! Got an interesting email today…
Ever wondered if there was an application out there that helped you plan your trip/holiday and other activities around the weather????
I just learned that a new website is going to be launched sometime in March offering this service to users. According to their website, www.findbetterweather.com, I can even find the best facilities, services, activities, events, deals and prices and make bookings….all from this site…by just entering my zipcode and all from the comfort of my home.
I think travel agencies are going to be out of work pretty soon because this is straightforward stuff and even more comprehensive than any booking agent is going to be. You can spend as much or as little time on it, make notes as you go along and even talk to other people on the findbetterweather.com discussion boards and learn about their experiences having visited a specific destination before you.
How many of us get lost in road trips and waste so many hours, frustrated and agitated because we didn’t find the best sites? Or better yet, get stuck in bad weather ruining our plans completely! Well with www.findbetterweather.com all that’s in the past because I can EASILY plan ahead and choose the best day for our trips.
This is awesome and I really can’t wait to start using this application…so if you haven’t heard about it yet…check it out now! : )
Never thought I’d ever be the type to overwork myself deliberately. But hey, it seems I am.
I’ve got four writing projects to be getting on with at the minute. If you didn’t already know, I work as a freelance writer. I’ve been offered a good deal of work, and I really can’t bear to turn it down. If I get enough work, I won’t have to somehow find time to get to the bank to increase my overdraft, so it’s hard not to be greedy.
But yeah. The projects I’ve got have all got to be done within the next week. One is a 50 page e-book on exam techniques, another involves writing 40 articles on (lol) penis enlargement, another (my favorite of the moment) involves writing 20 articles on forensic science (aimed at potential forensic science students) and the fourth is really boring and involves writing short articles on hospital beds.
I intend to get a lot done during my “down time” in the lab. I’m doing molecular biology, so there’s a good amount of down time, but I still have a lot of lab work to do, so that will probably equate to about an hour during lunch (and that’s a big thing for me…before Christmas I was barely getting 10 minutes for lunch…yay 4 more time).
Of course, I have a lot of reading to do for my dissertation, and I really need to get cracking with the writing of it. I haven’t done anything ‘fun’ since I got back to uni. I haven’t even listened to music except when I’m on the bus. Next break is the middle of April for a couple of days. High blood pressure? I think so. BUT IT’S WORTH IT. MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It’s been a very strange year. I don’t think I’m had more of an emotional roller coaster of a year ever. I’ve been so depressed and desperate at parts. Desperate to a level I cannot describe and would rather not try. I’ve also felt so much ecstatic joy. Eye-waterningly happy moments. Moments I’ll remember vividly for the rest of my life.
I’m not going to go through it all. But it’s been crazy. This has been a strange year. I want to think about the good stuff though. Bad shit has happened, but now, at the end, we’ve gotten through it, and we’re stronger. That’s how to look at bad stuff. I hope next year isn’t such a roller coaster, but if it is, well, at least I’ll have the good parts too.
Most the time I kinda ignore lyrics…but sometimes they catch my attention. Sometimes they strike a chord and make me feel way more than the rest of the music does. Sometimes they can be so damn beautiful on their own. Here are my favorites.
Streetlight Manifesto – Somewhere in the Between
“You were gone when we found you
You were practically surrounded, you were trapped
But the opposition stalled, their blood ran cold
When they saw the look of love in your eyes
Maybe the times we had, they weren’t that bad
And everything else was part of the plan
We sang: “I don’t know where we go from here”
This is the alpha, omega, beginning and the end
And we all just idolize the dead
So you were born, and that was a good day
Someday you’ll die, and that is a shame
But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream
And nothing and no one will ever take that away
You had a love and that love had you
And nothing mattered, you were fine
And some will complain, they’re just bitter, what a shame
They know that loving and losing is better than nothing at all
Maybe the times we had, they weren’t that bad
And everything else was part of our path
We sang: “I don’t know where we go from here”
This is the anthem, the slogan, the summary of events
And we all just idealize the past
So you were born, and that was a good day
Someday you’ll die, and that is a shame
But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream
And nothing and no one will ever take that away
Yea the times we had, they were not that bad
And everything else was part of our plan
We sang: “I don’t know where we go from here”
This is the alpha, omega, beginning and the end
And we all just idolize the dead
So you were born, and that was a good day
Someday you’ll die, and that is a shame
But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream
And nothing and no one will ever take that away
And someday soon my friends, this ride will come to an end
But we can’t just get in line again ”
The King Blues – My Boulder
“ou can lean on me,
Cry on my shouder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder,
Well I ain’t never seen such a big hard bastard cry like I did that day,
He said “I lost everything that ever meant anything and I can’t go on living this way”,
He slammed his pint down on the table and said “I ain’t never drinking again”,
I put my hand on his shoulder, looked him square in the eye and I said “listen my friend,
You can lean on me,
Cry on my shoulder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder
You can lean on me,
Cry on my shoulder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder
I said “If you need a place to stay you can always come over,
I’ll clean out the front room and you can sleep on my sofa”,
He said “I can only apologise if I seem out of touch,
The only reason I scream and shout is cos I care so much”,
So you can lean on me,
Cry on my shoulder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder.
You can lean on me,
Cry on my shoulder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder
(Rats!
They fought the dogs, and killed the cats,
And bit the babies in the cradles,
And ate the cheeses out of the vats,
And licked the soup from the cook’s own ladles,
Split open the kegs of salted sprats,
Made nests inside men’s Sunday hats,)
You can lean on me,
Cry on my shoulder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder
You can lean on me,
Cry on my shoulder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder
You can lean on me,
Cry on my shoulder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder
You can lean on me,
Cry on my shoulder,
If I’m Obelix,
You are my boulder”
Sonic Boom Six – A People’s History of the Future
“The future’s here!
F. U. T. U. R. E.
Future, never fear
Now we’re here for the future.
Compare how the time is mine now,
So you’ve done that and been there.
Grandfather why you talking to me
About this population of a nation? You know I weren’t there.
So I hate to say
But I don’t care.
That stuff’s in the past, we can’t go back,
A people’s history is of no use to me.
A broken radio transmits how life used to be.
No tuning in the F. U. T. U. R. E.
F. U. T. U. R. E.
Back then never a lock on our door,
Not back in the war.
The kids weren’t scared, the Bobbies cared,
The criminals were fair and the beans got shared.
But then they came from across the sea,
Single-mothers suddenly got houses free
With Turkey-Twizzlers and homosexuality.
Well things ain’t what they should be.
That’s in the past, we can’t go back,
A people’s history is of no use to me.
A broken radio transmits how life used to be.
No tuning in the F. U. T. U. R. E.
That’s in the past, we can’t go back,
A people’s history is of no use to me.
Grandmother, won’t you tell another story?
Grandfather gave the best years of his life to this country
So that we could all be free from a fascist tyranny
Now he only goes and votes for BNP.
So now let’s meet it. Take stock of the past and we’ll beat it
Or otherwise we’ll just repeat it.
Woah. I said we’re the future and I meant it.
Woah. Best way to predict is invent it.
A point so simple to see. F. U. T. U. R. E.
That’s in the past, we can’t go back,
A people’s history is of no use to me.
A broken radio transmits how life used to be.
We can’t go back, a people’s history of how life used to be,
The Golden Age of life is just a story to me,
I’m looking to the F. U. T. U. R. E.”
The Starting Line – Stay Where I Can See You (yeah, lame; I know)
“For months you’ve been away,
You’re here a couple days,
I’ve got all of the time in the world,
To do with what we please,
If it were up to me,
We’d have all of the time in the world,
Just stay right where I can see you,
When you go away I get so low,
Like temperatures when they’re at their coldest,
When you go away I get so lonely,
And I’m stranded by the side of the bed,
I can name all fifty states,
Fourty-eight get in the way,
From me being next to you (From me being next to you)
If it were up to me,
We’d have everything we need,
You’d have me, and I’d have you,
Just stay right where I could be…
Anyone you want,
I’m glad I got the job,
We’ve got something in mind,
And I’ve got all this time,
When you go away I get so low,
Like temperatures when they’re at their coldest,
When you go away I get so lonely,
And I’m stranded by the side of the bed,
Just stay right where I can see you,
Just stay right where I can,
Where I can see you,
When you go away I get so low,
Like temperatures when they’re at their coldest,
When you go away I get so lonely,
And I’m stranded by the,
1! 2!
When you go away I get so low,
Like temperatures when they’re at their coldest,
Once you go away I get so lonely,
When you go away I get so lonely,
And I’m stranded by the side of the bed”
Sick Puppies – Anywhere but Here
“I held onto you
For as long as I could
But today, you fell away
Now what I hold
Are the memories we barely made
I stood on the edge of your bridge
Until I felt the rain, push me away
My confusion left me fast as the vertigo came
What I believed to be true
It was only a dream
That lived in me
I just projected it
Over your beautiful screen
I self medicated my way
Through this mess that we made
So I could stay
There was nothing, but I waited
I waited
This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
So I will be traveling any place
Cause anywhere’s better than
Here we rest in peace
Rubble beneath my feet
I shouldn’t have followed you anywhere
Cause anywhere’s better than here
Where is the space I could move
Where could I rest my head
There’s nothing left for me here
It’s hard to leave behind
The one thing that made me feel alive
So I slide, from paranoid to paradise
This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
So I will be traveling any place
Cause anywhere’s better than here
This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
Here we rest in peace
Rubble beneath the feet
I shouldn’t have followed you anywhere
Cause anywhere’s better than here”
That’s enough for now. No one’s gonna read this. -_-
So alas, I have done all four of my marathons, and here is how I got on…
Game Marathon
Neverwinter Nights (2.5 hours)
Guitar Hero: World Tour (50 mins)
Persona 4 (40 mins)
SimCity 4 (40 mins)
So my game marathon was pretty lame. I started it too late. I’ll start from the morning next time I have one, and hopefully I’ll get some people to do it with me next time too!
Music Marathon
Opeth – My Arms, Your Hearse (last 3 tracks only)
The Used – Artwork
Diablo Swing Orchestra – The Butcher’s Ballroom
City Of Caterpillar – City Of Caterpillar
The Cat Empire – So Many Nights
The Cat Empire – Live on Earth (both discs)
Green Day – 21st Century Breakdown
I Have Clones – Music 2.0
Playlist of random songs (too many to list, though I listened to this playlist for 2-3 hours)
Allister – Last Stop Suburbia
Me First And The Gimmie Gimmies – Ruin Jonny’s Bar Mitzvah
Death From Above 1979 – Heads Up
Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion
+44 – When Your Heart Stops Beating
Andrew Jackson Jihad – Only God Can Judge Me Now
Brian Setzer Orchestra – Jump, Jive An’ Wail: The Very Best of The Brian Setzer Orchestra (half the album).
In total I reached about 16 hours before I could take it no more (especially since I had to get up at 8am the next day for a hospital appointment).
Reading
Half of Koji Suzuki’s Spiral
Half of Watchmen
The Bible (lol): Luke 23-25
A small 80 page child’s book by Harry Horse entitled The Last Cowboy
A little of The Venus Conspiracy by Michael Cordy
In total this was probably 7 or 8 hours.
TV/Movies
Watchmen – Director’s cut (just over 3 hours)
House season 3, episode “LOL” (40 mins)
Everybody Hates Chris season 2 episodes 5-13 (3 hours)
Heroes season 4 episode 16 (40 mins)
In total that meant about 7.5 hours. Not very hxc. : (
So yeah, there you go…that’s my marathons done! I hope I can do some again sometime, but unfortunately it won’t be within the immediate future.