Inhale, relax, repeat

As much as I try to deny in, things feel very similar to how they were a year ago. I’m worrying about the same stuff and getting upset/loosing sleep over the same stuff. Things have changed so much, but everything feels exactly the same.

Last year, things improved and what was driving me crazy stopped, but there’s a chance it might just get even worse this time. I think that would kill me. I’m feeling very paranoid at the moment. Logic tells me I shouldn’t be paranoid but my eyes tell me otherwise. I guess it’s a bit of a dilemma when your eyes seem to be seeing something that doesn’t make sense.

But I’ll fight on as best as I can. Ignore it until it’s completely unignorable. It’s the only way to keep plodding on.

It’s amazing how well focusing on work/uni makes me feel. Sure I’m hollow inside, but being able to block out what hurts feels good. I need to get back into being able to do it urgently.

That’s the name of a Virgin Black song, which are one of the most fucking painfully heartwreanchingly depressive bands you are ever likely to experiance. Here’s a Youtube video for proof:

Anyway, I am suffering. I feel like shit, and it’s becoming harder to repress every day. What makes it harder is that I can’t let it out. If I get emo I’ll affect people I REALLY don’t want to affect…people I want to be happy and carefree and not worrying about me. I’m not going to vent here about what is bothering me, because very few people could offer comfort, and venting to randoms over a blog definitely won’t help me. I guess I just need to declare that I’m suffering. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe I’ll feel more meaning to my existence. Who knows. I’m speaking for the now…and right now, I just want to fall asleep until the pain goes away. The irrational, illogical, mysterious pain. Maybe I have depression, but I don’t think so, because I still have my hope, and you can’t get too deep into depression with hope, right?

It is my birthday tomorrow and I will turn 22. I don’t wanna be 22. It’s such a boring age. I wish I could be a teenager again. :”(

Every time I hear these lyrics I cry. :”(

I held onto you for as long as I could but today
You fell away
Now what I hold are the memories we barely made
I stood on the edge of your bridge until I felt the rain
Wash me away
My confusion left me fast as the vertigo came

What I believed to be true it was only a dream
Believed in me
I just projected it over your beautiful screen
I self medicated my way through this mess that we made
So I could stay
There was nothing, but I waited
I waited

This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
So I will be traveling any place
Cause anywhere’s better than
Here we rest in peace
Rubble beneath the feet

I shouldn’t have followed you anywhere
Cause anywhere’s better than here

Where is the space I could move, where could I rest my head
There’s nothing left for me here
It’s hard to leave behind
The one thing that made me feel alive
So I slide
From paranoid to paralyzed

This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
So I will be traveling any place
Cause anywhere’s better than here

This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
Here we rest in peace
Rubble beneath the feet
I shouldn’t have followed you anywhere
Cause anywhere’s better than here

This is Sick Puppies – Anywhere But Here. I don’t adore the band, but this song…GODDAMN it affects me massively.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE SONGS THAT MAKE ME CRY.

I’m fucking miserable. I’m not going to disguise it or act like everything is jolly.  I’m scared for so many different reasons, and things seem to be falling apart all over again, like how they were by the end of last year. Maybe I just need a cuddle. I could sure use one.