Inhale, relax, repeat

Stress? You don’t know the meaning of the word. Right now, I sit in the common room at uni. I’m hiding from the world. I can’t be fucked working and working in the lab and getting no results. I can’t be fucked replying to the emails I’m getting about stuff I haven’t completed. I am so overloaded. People are so fucking demanding, and I can’t take it.

Earlier I was hit with the realization that Valetine’s day is next month. This made me feel worse. Much worse. I feel so alone and unloved. No one is blood interested in listening to what is boring ME. EVERYONE has something SOMEHOW worse to talk about, and I have to take it all ong and be the “strong” one while I’m really dying inside more and more each day. I can’t take it anymore. Everything in my life is stressful, and if I wasn’t in public, I’d be breaking down right now. I can’t even do that. I can’t scream and cry. I don’t have the time. I can’t vent. No one will give me their time.

You know you’re in trouble when you have constant thoughts of throwing yourself fown stairs and off bridges when you feel like crap. Being near death wouldbevery good for me now. No more stress, people would listen, and if not…well, I’d have something to take my mind off it.

Hugs would be nice. Many hugs.

Never thought I’d ever be the type to overwork myself deliberately. But hey, it seems I am.

I’ve got four writing projects to be getting on with at the minute. If you didn’t already know, I work as a freelance writer. I’ve been offered a good deal of work, and I really can’t bear to turn it down. If I get enough work, I won’t have to somehow find time to get to the bank to increase my overdraft, so it’s hard not to be greedy.

But yeah. The projects I’ve got have all got to be done within the next week. One is a 50 page e-book on exam techniques, another involves writing 40 articles on (lol) penis enlargement, another (my favorite of the moment) involves writing 20 articles on forensic science (aimed at potential forensic science students) and the fourth is really boring and involves writing short articles on hospital beds.

I intend to get a lot done during my “down time” in the lab. I’m doing molecular biology, so there’s a good amount of down time, but I still have a lot of lab work to do, so that will probably equate to about an hour during lunch (and that’s a big thing for me…before Christmas I was barely getting 10 minutes for lunch…yay 4 more time).

Of course, I have a lot of reading to do for my dissertation, and I really need to get cracking with the writing of it. I haven’t done anything ‘fun’ since I got back to uni. I haven’t even listened to music except when I’m on the bus. Next break is the middle of April for a couple of days. High blood pressure? I think so. BUT IT’S WORTH IT. MONEYMONEYMONEY.

OK so here’s what my daily schedule was like before xmas…

Get up at 7am
Get bus at 8.30
Arrive at uni just before 10
Work in the lab until 6-7pm at best (often I was stuck in there until almost 8), with maybe half an hour break for a quick lunch at best
Arrive home at 7.30-8.30pm at best
Eat/shower
Get into room at 9pm at the ealiest
Write up lab book (which maybe takes half an hour) and work (I need the money desparatly this year)…maybe get some coursework done if lucky until maybe 1am at best, but most likely I’ll end up in bed between 2 and 3am.

Now I’ve just found out that the building my research group is moving to is four miles away from the main campus, right at the north of the city. My journy is expensive and long enough when I get the direct bus…but this is going to destory me. Unlike the bloody PhD students, I have classes in the main campus. How the hell do I juggle this? Travelling four miles through a big city is not easy. Fucking hell. And then there’s the extra cost. I could cry.